The old is gone

The old is gone.

A monster came into my house, got into my bed, inside of my body, and as I awoke I became the thing I hated more than anything. Yelling at my children, spewing hateful words and resenting the role God has given me; the purpose, the love for being home, for being a mommy, for being a wife, all of it gone. I lost it, I lost all my joy. Where are you God? I know this person all too well, the person who has to apologize not once but three times in less than 20 minutes. All the good you have brought into my life once again buried under a pile of garbage. This soiled person that has no love in her mouth, I hate this version of me! Then like a flash flood your mercy catches me off guard and restores me to you. I feel your spirit, I feel your arms, I know you are here. I cry out “Kill the thief, kill the liar in me!” and again I rejoice for you come. How do I explain the last few days. Like a fog. An eerie fog horn warning in the background. When the fog comes the rocks are impossible to see and I can’t steer my way through on my own. My heart casts an anchor out as though I know I can't navigate in this smothering, saturated cloud. I didn’t even look for the lighthouse. Maybe I was scared, maybe tired, or maybe my resolve was so worn down by the battle I just wanted a break,. But I’ve been lonely for you; Like a ship that longs for it’s shore. The fog is gone now. I see clearly and although I rejoice that I can see you and hear you, and feel the golden rays of your light shining upon me, I know that this was not the last of the fog. In all reality I should have tried for the shore rather than stay in the stagnant waters covered by the murky fog. But I stayed because I didn’t trust what I couldn’t see.

Christ taught his disciples through the storms. I need to be okay with walking through these times of hazy weather. How should we handle the fog when it comes? The enemy uses smoke and mirrors and maybe he even has a fog machine. But I know you are still here even when I can’t see you, even when I don’t know where you are. You are still here, you have not left me I will call out to you. I will not allow myself to grow stagnant spiritually but I will allow the LIVING water to flow through me. I will trust you and have faith that even when I can’t see you, you can hold me and in those times of intimacy I will grow. Even if I outgrow who I was I won’t care because I want to change into who you have created me to be. A woman with love, joy peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control. And may this fruit be produced not forced, from the living water that flows from the spirit. The enemy can have what he has taken, I don’t need to take it back because it’s like the skin a snake sheds when it grows. I have outgrown my need for what I was. For God has promised me something new every morning, I don’t need yesterdays promises, I have today’s. And though the liar brings the fog and we begin to fear the rocks, the Lord has given us a lighthouse, a place where when all else seems dark we can see the way. Our God is good, he is a strong tower, we run to him and are saved. The monster that had me this morning is gone and if I have to slay it a thousand more times I will. Keep the old me I don’t want it back. I am a new creation the old is gone the new has come. And now that I am looking for the light I will not fear the storm for I know my help is on the way.