Thursday, March 30, 2017
Not that long ago I had a personal conversation with the Holy Spirit. Just in case you are wondering who that is: I like to think of Him as my very best friend; He is the still small voice inside who corrects, instructs, leads and laughs at the inside jokes no one else seems to get. Sometimes we even argue but He always wins by showing me that love is always the best way.
That day we were talking about my intimacy issues. I had pretty much coined the phrase, "I'm not a touchy person". Its not even that I am not much of a hugger, it's just that touch is very intimate to me. If you were one of the few un-lucky guys in grade school, Jr.. High, High School or College that got too close to me or my bubble, you may have even seen me as hostile towards affectionate advances.
It was all touch, male or female that made me uncomfortable. I always related to the hilarious temperamental cat that would be purring and rubbing up against you and then out of no where would bite you. A unseen boundary had been crossed: me to a tee!
Anyway, I had said something to HS ( Holy Spirit) about wanting to be more affectionate to my children, and feeling like a total failure mom for not knowing when my kids need more physical love from me, and in fact feeling so completely suffocated at times that I wanted to cry. Then out of no where He (Holy Spirit really shoots it straight to the heart!! In a good way) He says... "Your believing a lie. You think you are not enough for them just the way you are. You think you are inadequate. But really I think you are a very intimate and loving mother."
As tears streamed down my face, as they are again right now, I silently wept as He continued. "It isn't that you are not affectionate, it is simply that you do not waste nor do you under appreciate the power of simple touch. You see something as simple as hand holding to be the most beautiful gesture of physical love. And your Father God agrees. When you are afraid- He holds your hand, when you are lost- He takes your hand, when He is pleased- He takes your hand, when walking alone in the joy of His presence- you hold His hand. And what are the most special moments of intimacy with your husband? It is the first time you held hands in a dark movie theatre, your first walk together where you talked and laughed and all those hand holding moments in between that you remember. You are perhaps the best hand holder I have ever seen and especially with your children; you are constantly taking a hand to either comfort, direct, correct or to play. You say you are not a touchy person but Sweetie you are one of the most affectionate people I know, you just see simple touch as special as it ought to be."
So there I was with a choice: I could receive this beautiful truth from HS: that I am most secure when I embrace the very insecurities that once held me back and turn them upside down into something for His glory! Or: I could keep dwelling on the free loving girl I thought I wanted to become, the comparison to others could build to the point of something I could not bare to fake anymore, I could keep shaming myself, I could keep trying to be something I'm not or trying to hide the me that I am.
Don't get me wrong I'm not saying we should embrace harmful patterns that lead to being unhealthy but if we can not see us as the unique- one of a kind- beautiful people that we are, we may not ever realize that someone else (someone more important, someone like HS) sees what we think of as our flaws as the very beauty marks that set us apart.
In His word He says "For we are Gods masterpiece, thoughtfully and creatively designed, to be a one-of-a-kind creation.
In case I haven't convinced you, did you know that not a single zebra is the same? A zebra's stripe pattern is as unique as fingerprints are to humans. In fact a baby zebra can find its mom in a heard because of it. You are the only you. Your stripes make you different, not deformed. And just for the record our baby zebras need our stripes to be just the way they are, that's how they find us, how they know us, how they follow us.
I thank God for the way that he made me, inside and out. And every day I want to spend a little more time with my Creator so I can find out what stripes He put there, and why! And also what stripes are just from the filth of this world trying to make me something I'm not, because those ones need washed off.
I hope all my gushing and vulnerability helps, it's one of my stripes I guess. With His help I'm learning how to appreciate those little nudges and whispers that say, the world needs to know how much I love them, how much I love those unique stripes. How much time I spend desiring that instead of hating your stripes you would learn how to wear them, how I designed them just for you and those who would see them, really see them, the way I do.